Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Should I try to blog?

Morning ... I have not been 'around' ... I have not been able to write 'freely'. Still getting over the election results after a month and tried not to read anything much related to politics. There will be another black-out gathering but I wont be joining in any ... I want to get back into my own life, taking a break in June ... as marking of papers start.

For those new readers, they may not realise that since this blog started in 2008(Aug 8th), I have not paused for even a day ... I will certainly put anything up ... even I hv nothing to write!! It is a routine ... a habit, an interest ... to blog. So, it is natural ... as I was writing to myself, talking to myself ... motivating myself as I struggle my days ... my learning process about trading-investing in stock-markets and ... activities, people I met, e-mail I received ... errmm ... opinions from many and more. I will jot it here, as candid as I could. Not anymore. No longer I have that freedom to write ... no longer that I have only 'loyal' 30+ readers ... where they will be my silent followers, checking on my doings and daily activites. Even when I posted a song, someone will appreciate some of the songs will give comments ... and share the liking of the songs!!

In a way, I missed my blog ... my own writing ... back then. Ever since I have wider readers, I feel the pressure to write ... to please as I will be 'monitored'. Sigh ... how I dislike attention but as my network increases(more and more people adding me in my facebook and trading group) ... I do have to 'entertain' them, so to speak. Well, I have to admit that I got to know so many nice people around, so many who could tolearate my nuisance ... and filtering the good pointers shared. It ain't easy ... on my side, either. I was a loner ... barely 5 years ago, I was NOT who I am today, socially.

I used to be ... by myself. My wife will always said I am 'anti-social' as I do not mix around with her relatives(back in Sabah) or I do not even talk much to any of my colleagues. Well ... people who do not know me will 'judge' me as weird, selfish ... arrogant ... errm ... what-u-say no-so-good words used to judge a person, simply because the person is 'different' from ourselves?! Hmm ... I remembered a reader used the word 'unique' to describe me. Haha ...

This is a public blog, I know. As I said ... I prefer to have genuine readers. But ... who am I kidding? We have all sorts of people ... out there. Those nice one will compliment your good pointers ... majority are neutral and becoming silent readers .. but few who dislike you(or your writings) will jump into their own conclusion to judge ... and criticize.

I used to read blogs too ... that is how I learnt, gathered some information, digesting some of trading ideas. I do appreciate many of the bloggers I used to follow. I no longer reading any blogs .. except for Ben's or Remmant's. I do wish I have the time to read Dali's or Alex's writings ... these are 'guru-bloggers' in trading markets. I do dream ... to be one of them ... being respected as good financial bloggers. They are very proffesional in their writings ... and do not spill their emotions in their blog. I could not.

My blog ... is about my mind. About words in my head, that being a quiet person(I hardly speak in a day expect when I am teaching?) ... I am using my blog as a platform to talk to myself. But .... ever since I got to know so many 'real' human to talk to ... I could not hear my own voices. The noises out there is drowning me, I m no longer able to focus in listening to my own voices. I could not listen to some nice songs ... that I have missed myself!!

My trading adventure ... many of times, I have contemplate to take it private ... means, I just need to click 'private' rather than 'public' ... so, I spent some money to get as a new site last Dec. I told myself to split my writings into two : anything about trading ... place in, anything about your personal's laundry ... put in your blogspot and make it private!! But ... I simply couldnt separate and distinct both, the lines could not be drawn. I am a blogger ... I write better naturally ... not because of I have to write/blog ... but because I wanted to. Sigh ... if one is not a blogger, they could never understand ... I am not even paid in any form to write ... I just need a place to speak to myself, and I found comfort in my own space here.

There are tears of sadness in me ... when I am writing the above. Can you feel it? I want to write freely ... but I am no longer 'free'? What should I do? So ... I didnt write as regular and as frequent as I used to love to do ...

Many of times too ... I have started few lines or paragraphs ... but I didnt not have the time to complete it, or post it ... and so, it will be saved under 'draft' which I never send it out!! I will just delete them. Someone suggested that ... as author, we could just write things under 'draft' and then plan when to post it out!! Wow ... I will never do that ... as why am I planning when or what to speak to myself for? But again ... it is for the audience out there to read? Hmm ... I prefer things 'live' ... I prefer things to be conventional and real ...

So, should I continue to blog? My have been abandoned for few months now, this blog did not see quality postings anymore. I no longer able to 'follow the flow' ... and I feel that there are too many preying-eyes ...

I have not decided what to do with ... most probably I will write my analysis there(if I could remember) ... and to maintain this as my blah-blah-blah blog. Yes, taking this blog private becoming a good choice ... and only allowing those 'loyal' readers who won't mind hearing my stories and console/support me emotionally.

The tratles group grown so huge, out of my initial expectation when it started in Sept2011 with my cohort-1 ... and my most recent cohort-9. I do have few enquiries about my next cohort-10, but I could not promise that I want to continue with it ... I am just very tired. I am glad with my tratles group, as I got to know so many people from different walk of lives ... tho I do not social well, I have to admit that some of them becoming dear friends of mine ... and the thoughts of losing the friendships?

I am emotionally tired. I just need to rest ... and only stay in my stock-watch group. I wish to 'serve' those 'loyal' supporters ... appreciating their supports all these while. Without them, I could not push myself further to improve ... and share knowledge.

my mind is not working well again ... i m losing the lines. off.

At least I tried ... tho I may not do it as well as expected. And I will continue to try ... to blog here.

Thanks for all the nice words and supports. Thanks for listening. I will be back, stronger. :)

Sorry if I offended anyone ... never meant it that way. :(


p/s : As I was writing, FAVCO sold at 2.59 as KLCI down 5 points in opening.

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